


If You Love Someone, Set Them on Fire

by Vault13



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Dark, Gen, Major Spoilers, Manga Spoilers, Post-Loss, Reconciliation, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:00:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26370814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vault13/pseuds/Vault13
Summary: When you make one person your reason for living, what happens when they're gone?
Relationships: Levi/Hange Zoë
Comments: 8
Kudos: 79





	If You Love Someone, Set Them on Fire

**Author's Note:**

> So if you aren't caught up to chapter 132 with the manga TURN AROUND NOW. No, I mean it, GET OUT OF HERE. SO MUCH SPOILER WARNING HERE, HOLY CRAP.
> 
> No, GET OUT OF HERE IF YOU ARE NOT CAUGHT UP TO CHAPTER 132.
> 
> It's pretty dark but it gets better, I promise.

"Devote your heart."

The words he had last said, what had become ash on his tongue before he had even finished it. It was, perhaps, a good thing the bandages covered up so much of his face at the time or she might just have seen how much of him didn't want to allow her to leave. She had always been so good at reading him, it was one reason that they made such a good team. Levi generally couldn't be too personable and Hanji had always been there to translate. She had always been there to understand what he was saying even if his words were awkward or possibly vague. She had always been there for him to let his guard down around, she had always been the one person he could just relax around- all that constant tension in his muscles melted around her. She had always made him feel safe. Just like Kuchel. She had always been there to needle him with questions from the moment he was conscripted, she had always sat through any and every foul word he spat at her in attempt to drive her away.

He tried so hard to make her hate him and she was so damn stubborn and too damn smart to let it happen. He never had a 'falling in love' moment with Hanji, he just discovered the fact he was in love with her not long after their second bit of heated exchanges that lead to more physical interaction. Love? It was sobering, frustrating... It scared the hell out of him. Time had let his fears ebb, though not disappear, events had transpired where fear had spiked in him but he had no time to focus on it. She was stronger than anyone knew, sturdier, but seeing her slam into the pillar in the cavern and knowing just how close she had been when the Colossal Titan had burst into the air still scared him. Sooner than later he was able to get his hands on her, hold her, look into her eyes... Well, as best he could. She was the last thought in his mind as the thunderspear exploded in his face and everything went black.

She was the first person he saw when he managed to open his eye. She painstakingly cleaned his wounds, stitched him up, bound him and also concocted a way to transport him when he couldn't walk. Now... He'd never hear her again, he'd never see the smile she gave when she knew she was getting on her nerves, he'd never see her walk into another door, or trip over her own feet. He'd never see her eyes light up like blazing lanterns as she drank in new and fascinating information. He'd never smell her again before, during, or after bathing. He'd never get to run his fingers through her freshly dried hair in the way he could never resist. He'd never hear her snore again, he'd never hear her laugh at a dumb joke that only she got. He had wanted to grab her by the collar and tell her no, that she wasn't allowed to make him worry... But she worried over him every time he went out.

It wasn't fair, nothing in life was fair. Every step forward just became two steps back. He had lost everyone he cared about and he knew that- and he still let himself care about her. It felt like his fault. It seemed like she was ill-fated because she just happened to sneak her way into his heart. Levi had felt time catching up with him for years, Mikasa was only getting better and he was well aware of the odds that he would die sooner than later. Mikasa would inherit the heavy mantle of the hero but it wasn't supposed to happen like this. It was selfish to think he should have died first but it was excruciating to survive such severe injuries just to lose her so soon. They hadn't even had time alone together. Now... They never would. Like Petra, she'd have no real burial place. Just a headstone. For so long, Hanji had been what inspired him to keep going and now it felt like the fire in him had guttered out.

Every joint ached more than it ever had, every muscle was tired, he felt like every injury he had ever sustained was suddenly piling up on top of him. He was cold inside, now. Memories wouldn't fade but memories weren't enough. Memories were all he had left of his mother, of Farlan and Isabel, of every person who had died gruesome and violent. Memories didn't do him any good now. His soul felt dark as pitch and the light had gone from his eyes. He felt... Like he was dead, too. Perhaps it was the danger of twining yourself so deeply with someone that they became your reason to live... That losing them left you a desire to just fade away. To just shut off and never think or feel again. This world... Was cruel. He had never been handed a single thing in life, he had clawed his way from squalor only to lose his only two friends and then every friend he made after that.

He lost the only person he could not handle losing and now he could feel the cloth of his being coming apart, fraying. He felt... heavy. Like he didn't even have the strength to carry his own weight. Nothing was fair... Losing her was not fair and the fact that he knew she would not forgive him if he let himself stop felt even less fair. Maybe that was the one thing he still had, that he could still feel or even hear... The way with which she would say his name if he just stopped there- but how could he even summon the strength? He had never even been enraged by her loss, he had gone straight to this cold misery. Like an engine long devoid of oil or grease, his joints protested every move. His body did not want to move, he couldn't hear or see anything but the encroaching darkness. He wanted to just let it consume him, he wanted to just let it happen... But she would never forgive him and, if she were anywhere now... It would not be lost and cold in the dark.

She would be the sun in the sky wherever she was so... If he could find some kind of light? Maybe, maybe he could find something. If he chased it with everything left of him perhaps he might end up somewhere substantially closer to her warmth than where he was now. If he could find somewhere warm, maybe she would be there... Somehow. He had no intention of letting himself die but he also felt a comfort in that he wouldn't make it back to look at her office, her notes. He wouldn't have to smell her in his sheets or on his pillows. He had held out a small infinitesimal hope that somehow the world would let them have a happily-ever-after as disfigured and used up soldiers but it was never realistic. He had always been so stubborn about choice ever since the day he lost Farlan and Isabel... Now, here he was, making excuses. Hanji made her choice and while he was sure it was not done lightly he knew that there were no regrets. She had saved lives, she had bought that time. She escaped the cruelty of this world and he could be happy that she would no longer have to hurt for everyone she lost. That her too-open heart would not get attached to another set of cadets she would suffer the losses of.

Who really knew what the hell was left after death? Nothing ever made sense when people made their proposals about it but he knew, at least, that it had to be better than this and that same part of him felt like taking the easy way out, especially in the cold and dark place he was in, would leave him too far from her to ever see her again- if there was something else. Nothing in their world suggested a benevolent god but if there was something without pain, where good people went... He was sure she would be there. He wasn't sure if he was a good person, or had been good enough of a person for long enough to 'qualify' but if he could just manage to get close enough to hear her voice again, see her on the edge of the horizon... He could be happy with that. Wherever she was, he knew, his mother was there too. He had always wanted to be able to let Hanji meet her. He had always felt like his mother would be happy that someone cared about him so much, that he found someone he could care about in a way he no longer thought he was able to. He could imagine the both of them talking, laughing. That... was a warm thought. Perhaps the single two most important people in his life now being able to meet and talk and look over him.

"Heichou..."

It would be more than just Hanji's disappointment, it would also be the disappointment from his mother. She had gone so far out of her way, she had given up everything just so he could live to see a life where he didn't have to starve, where the sun beat down on everyone, where he didn't have to sleep with a knife within reach. Where could find someone to love, someone to love him, someone who made all the pain up until then feel worth it... More than anything, giving up would be tossing away the last thing his mother had left to the world. It would be tossing away Hanji's sacrifice. Now, more than ever, he knew felt the certainty of death looming over him but what he did with what time and strength he had left would be what defined him to so many. He didn't want to end his story under the idea that he could not bear the weight of despair and allowed it to crush him.

"H-Hechou...?"

Hanji made a choice and she made a difference. He had no way to know, truly, just how much of a difference but if he did not give his everything to the time she had bought them it would greatly lessen what she had provided them all. Her sacrifice would only mean more if he took the fullest advantage of it. Maybe he had been looking at this wrong? She had not gone to buy time just for the lives of others but she had simply set up a baton pass that he would take to the end. Maybe she was waiting, with all the ways her mind worked, with her hand out. Waiting there for him to take her hand once he seized the opportunity she had given him to drive the last nail as deeply as he could into figurative coffin of this insanity. That... made sense.

"Levi-Heichou...!"

Levi snapped to reality and blinked, finally noticing Mikasa standing right in front of him. He wasn't sure how long she had been there but with the look on her face he knew it had been longer than he wanted.

"Yeah...?"

"I haven't ever seen you look so-" Mikasa seemed genuinely shook up.

"It's over with." Levi said, standing on protesting legs. "I just needed to think for a bit."

"Right. We're almost ready. How are you feeling...?" she asked, knitting her brows.

Levi thought for a moment and tilted his head. "... Warming up."

Mikasa wasn't sure what that meant but seeing resolve return to Levi's eyes was enough of a sign for her.

_'Just wait for me... I'll be there as soon as I'm done.'_

**Author's Note:**

> Few people are happy with Chapter 132 and I'm certainly not one of them but, well, I got to thinking about 'Well, what the hell must be going through Levi's head, now?' Thankfully I managed to find a way to something positive, in its own way. I don't have a lot to say, I'm still low-key mad over this whole thing.
> 
> As usual, thank you for reading! HUGE bonus points if you got the reference of the title without having to look it up.


End file.
